The present.
I’m going to try and not self edit.
Just like all my life up until today, I am full of many feelings all at once. It’s just a matter of any one moment of the day you find me in. I am grateful.
Morning coffee.
Leah slept another 12 hours last night with 1 brief bottle at 7 and now just now waking up at 10am. Leah’s breakfast finished, she loves it. Some mushy oat/chia stuff with some fruit puree really hits the spot and then on to a bottle of formula to top things off. She took a dive off the high chair as soon as I unstrapped her and I had a proud Dad reflex moment of catching her before anything contact with something hard and warranting a call to mom or trip to the ER.
I’m grateful for faithful friend that sent me a message yesterday, who cared enough to want to know how I’m really doing since moving to Red Deer. Asked if I was getting connected with a group of guys and I am thankful that I am. Friday mornings are prayer and breakfast with a small group of men from the church; not scared off by honesty and speaking out about what curve balls life is really throwing our way.
I’m grateful for Jen, who is the opposite of me in so many ways yet so like minded in all the ways that really matter. We’ve been talking a lot about how we are parenting Leah and what we like and disliked about our own upbringing; things our parents did well and ways we can build off of that. Jen is reading a book that has given us more ideas of what we don’t want to do but still beneficial. This guy has got a thing for spanking and not like “I approve of spanking as a form of discipline”, we’re talking, “if you don’t spank your child you are disobeying scripture and need to get right with what calls you to be as a parent” sort of thing. It makes me really nervous when I see a person over interpret the Bible. I mean if you wanted to really take it literally we should all be beating our children with rods. There is a place for spanking but I view it like alcohol; although there is nothing inherently wrong with it, there are people who should refrain from using it. If you can’t have a drink with a clear conscience or once you start you can’t stop until your drunk then it’s probably best to refrain. And the same for spanking if you can’t spank your child with a clear conscience, if you find yourself spanking our of anger or revenge despite your best intentions, then it is not serving its proper purpose. I have always found it intriguing when I hear parents of multiple children tell me their use of spanking becomes less and less with each child. And despite my lack of experience I think there is something to the theory that an over use of spanking can be a sign of a lack of creativity in one’s parenting.
We’ll see if I can actually execute on all my wonderful parenting advice now that I have my own child. One thing I do know is there is huge power in the humble and repentant parent. When I don’t take care of my daughter well, when I treat her poorly, ignore her, lose my temper and am not gentle and patient…WHEN I am INEVITABLY those things…it seems to me that the effects of going back to her to tell her I was wrong and ask for forgiveness are more long lasting than the wrong itself. I want my daughter to see I am imperfect and when I don’t get it right that I make amends. I know a parent who has tried their whole life to hide their weaknesses, to never admit when their wrong, to only apologize out of sarcasm or obligation. And we all see through it, right? We know it’s only a matter of time before every person we know will fail and mistreat us in some way. So what is the point in trying to hide it. The true person of integrity acknowledges their shortcomings, takes responsibility for their actions, does their best to make a mends and does the work to do better next time. In the Bible Paul using the analogy of running a race and I think he would have added hurdles to the race if that was a thing back then. I am a 300lb man, over 6 feet tall, with maybe above average leaping ability given those other attributes…and I am running the 100 meter high hurdles. I guarantee you I trip over every single one of those hurdles! But knocking over every hurdle does not disqualify you from the race, you can still finish. In fact that is ultimately what is asked of us, do your best and finish strong. Even after the last hurdle there is 10 meters to get back up and sprint through the finish.
Right my hurdle is starting a business. I’ve never been self-employed(Officially), i’ve done side jobs for 20 years but nothing close to a consistent income. If you asked me even 5 years ago who in my family was most likely to to be start their own small business from the ground up I would have bet everything on my brother. But it seems oddly achievable for me right now. I have had nothing but positive feedback that the work I want to do is there and I can definitely make it happen if I do the work to get it off the ground. My whole life I have battled a lack of self-esteem; thoughts in my head telling me over and over again that I am not valuable, even if I start something there is a good chance I won’t finish it, I should just resign myself to a job that is secure and low risk, my skill set isn’t really that desirable.
All that is a steaming pile of garbage and I think the reason why I’m finally moving on from those thoughts is the realization that they are associated with a person in my life that has told me to play it safe, don’t take any risks and instilled an unhealthy fear of failure deep down in my gut. I am not removing them from my life per say but I have come to recognize their words of advice and criticisms have been detrimental to my growth and development as a person. So I have decided not to listen. I think there is someone like this in all of our lives, someone who may even have goo intentions but has largely been a negative force in our lives. What really helped me to let go was to observe that person’s life and ask if I wanted to be where they are when I’m that age. If the answer is no than maybe it’s time to find some new voices to tell you who you really are and what you are worth. How does that saying go…”you are the sum of the 5 people you surround yourself with”? Maybe that also means you will become whatever those 5 voices are telling you will be.
Be picky about who you let in my friends.
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